3 Ways To Detect Inner Judgment
These (3) ways to detect your inner judgment will assist you in recognizing your insecurities and unhealthy behavior patterns.
Negative judgment (of others) is an unhealthy coping mechanism. It happens due to internal negative judgment (of one-self).
Negative judgment of yourself is learned (conditioned) behavior. Someone showed us how to do that by demonstrating it on themselves as well as projecting it onto us growing up (through their words and actions).
In brief, if you got negatively judged, mocked, labeled, berated, tormented in some way, shape or form in the environment you were raised in, you learned how to negatively inflict judgment onto yourself. If you had little to no example of unconditional love, support and loving communication, then you learned to judge yourself.
Therefore you most likely resorted to releasing that negative judgment onto others to feel relief within yourself. This is how we cope with all that pain we are inflicting on ourselves.
Negative judgement includes self-criticism, attack, deprecation inward. We then release it outward as criticism, attack, shame, blame of others.
Now that you understand what judgment is, let’s simplify how it shows up so you are able to process and utilize healthier coping skills.
Here are (3) ways to detect inner judgment in yourself and others:
1. PUTTING OTHERS DOWN
When projecting our judgment, we can degrade or downplay other’s beauty, character or even successes. Because judgment is OUR OWN insecurity, we look at others and feel our own lack — so we attack. In that attack, we are attempting to feel better about ourselves. This is an unhealthy form of coping with our pain.
Doing # 1? Here’s an exercise to try out:
When looking at others and wanting to ‘attack’, compliment them as if you are complimenting yourself. (Do this in your head or aloud while you are by yourself) ex: “I love that haircut ______ (insert your name instead of theirs here).”
This allows you to begin building the muscle of seeing their positives as your own. This reconditions you away from self-deprecation and a mindset of lack.
2. INABILITY TO RECEIVE
Have you ever heard someone deflect praise? For instance, you compliment their dress and instead of receiving it with a ‘thank you‘ they reply with a, “Oh it’s 8 years old, I pulled it from the back of my closet”.
You tell them, “You smell so good!” and they respond to you with, “It’s just soap.” Or how about when someone compliments you and you feel pressure or obligation to toss a compliment back just because they gave one to you?!
The inability to receive praise and recognition is a sure sign of inner judgment. This is connected to your own feelings of unworthiness. You don’t feel good enough or deserving of someone seeing something good in you and sharing it, so you deflect it.
This unhealthy coping mechanism will keep you feeling not good enough. It will also have you longing for attention. When you do receive attention, you will duck and cover because you don’t feel like you deserve it.
Doing # 2? Here’s an exercise to try out:
Practice being intentional in receiving (from others and yourself). This is ‘new’ for you so it will feel uncomfortable at the start. Set the intention of simply saying ‘thank you’ without feeling like you need to return or toss back the love. This is a powerful practice in getting comfortable with receiving.
This will allow you to start to feel more worthy/deserving and in brief, that’s you filling up your own love tank!
3. PLAYING THE VICTIM
Playing victim is a familiar one but one you may not have correlated specifically with judgment.
Anything that negatively impacts our ability to believe in ourselves, take responsibility for our actions and essentially grow and change is linked to a form of judgment. In playing the victim, one is saying, ‘it’s not my fault‘. Instead, they are deflecting that responsibility onto the other party. That deflecting is blame.
Blame is an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s avoidance, deflection and a negative judgment of what they said, did or thought.
When you play victim you only hurt yourself. However, you do get awfully creative in finding excuses as to why you believe your negative judgment of the situation is correct. Number 3 is a cycle of fuckery you can easily trap yourself in for some time. You perpetuate this pattern with tangible ‘excuses’ to keep yourself in a place of never taking responsibility for anything and thus never growing from it.
Doing # 3? Here’s an exercise to try out:
- Write down the last person you blamed for how you were feeling or what you were doing.
- Follow that with writing down and numbering all your reasons (excuses) for why you believe it is their fault.
- Go back to the top of your page and cross out their name. Proceed by crossing out each time you have written their name or a “they” and edit each one to your name or an “I”.
This will allow you to see where your growth work lives. Your feelings and actions are your responsibility, not theirs.
Sitting down with a professional to receive healthy support and guidance in doing this emotional work can allow for the process to be much easier! Many of us try to emotionally and mentally work through pain and unhealthy behavior patterns singlehandedly, leaving us feeling stuck and making the process hard and heavy. Take a look to see if my Holistic Life Therapy Process would be the therapeutic space to best serve you and your needs.