A common theme I encounter with clients or prospective clients is this fear of judgement, particularly when it comes down to their life, career and marital status. I’ve had this very fear myself. For as long as I can remember I thought I’d be married by the age of 30 – I am now 31 and not.
See if you’re anywhere between 28 and 36 you probably grew up hearing that you should go to school, get a job, settle down and struggle to be happy. Somewhere between the age of 25 and 30, I decided that wasn’t for me as I know a lot of others have too.
I went to college and graduated in 4 years. I have a Bachelor’s Degree and I don’t use it. Quite frankly, I’m not even sure where the diploma exists in my home.
After several different types of freelance employment, I decided I was going to start my own business. I always had steady pay but I was never a 9-5 salary, benefits, office job type girl. I worked in fashion styling and then I nannied. I made really good money but not for the price of living on your own in New Jersey.
Having my own business was fun and I learned a ton of stuff I never learned in business classes in college but nothing prepared me for no sales and shelling out a lot of cash with no return. And then I found myself. You know how that goes…somewhere between your rock bottom and complete frustration with life you have a spiritual awakening. Luckily I nannied for a psychic, so it wasn’t such a foreign concept to me.
In this awakening I discovered just why none of that other shit panned out.
It wasn’t me.
I wasn’t happy.
I was forcing myself to be and do things that I thought I “should” do when they weren’t really what I wanted to do. I was forcing myself to do it backwards too. Chase the money so I could build the life I was once told to.
I didn’t want that life either.
So I got rid of the clothing business and went back to school online for a certification in life coaching. I combined my spiritual interests with teaching and found what I was really called to do. In getting it going I would write. I’d write on my old clothing companies website a blog per day to motivate myself and in turn that motivated others. I found something that really spoke to me and came easy.
But that went against every single fucking thing I’ve ever been taught. I mean when I was starting my clothing company I was told, “Careful, you’re going to fail you should prepare for that.” I didn’t. I was told, “This is hard work.” I didn’t like hearing that. Everything I had done in life had already felt hard, why did the rest of my life need to feel hard too. I mean for crying out loud I went to college for four years and somehow got through but it wasn’t necessarily easy.
Point is the driving force for more than half my life had been to do what I was told to do.
And even when you awaken spiritually to a whole new world, nothing changes until you do. I was still living at home feeling worthless like I needed to have a 9-5 and make my life into what I was once told it should be. I couldn’t shake that should. I couldn’t fucking shake this idea of what others had for me.
It took a while to do so and I want to share some stuff with you:
Did you know that more than half the people I work with feel the same exact was as I used to? Do you know that no matter what you see online or think you know about others that you don’t always know the full truth?
There are people who may be physically living on their own, but mentally and emotionally they’re dependant on others. Did you know that when it appears to look like someone’s got it all together that more times than not they don’t. You never know why anyone is doing anything and get this…you aren’t supposed to.
I’ve been told by so many people who have no part in my actual decision making what I SHOULD do. “You should be living on your own by now” or “You should be successful by now” are just some things I am told over and over that replay in my brain.
Why? And what exactly is your definition of success? Because mine is doing what makes me proud of me. I’m very successful. I’ve run two business before the age of 32, have you? The first one didn’t fail, I chose to not continue with it because I made a decision to follow my heart…can you say you did the same? Or did you settle for a corporate 9-5 just to say you have something steady in your life.
I’ve published a book. I am a published author. Are you? I’ve guided, mentored, inspired, helped thousands of people up until this point. I receive daily messages from strangers thanking me for changing their life. I may not have a rent to pay but living with your parents in your thirties you pay rent in different ways. You pay it each time they ask you for help with their computer or phone. You pay it in emotional and mental turmoil when you’re still battling wounds from when you were a child because you’re IN it and not 10,000 miles away from it. I pay that rent you write a check for each month in my spiritual work I do being immersed in the very triggers some of you run away from and avoid.
And I proudly do it by choice because I could easily afford to move away and pay rent IF I wanted to – but I choose to stay because my present and my future will always look different than yours. I have learned that you should never do anything in life unless you really have a desire to. Meaning for me if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a definitive NO through and through.
I have no use for “moving out” because I have my own apartment and space it just happens to be connected to my parent’s home and I just so happen to not have to pay monthly rent.
I have no use for hurrying up and getting married because I have dreams I want to chase and when I’m married I already want to be successful and have achieve a lot of what’s in my heart.
I’ve watched too many people do the opposite. Settle down because they’re scared of being alone. Move out because they feel that’s the “right next step” in life. Move away because they don’t want to turn inward and learn why their parents or siblings or whomever near and dear triggers them. So they run, hide, settle and end up on my doorstep paying me to ultimately help them fix their life.
Did you know…
“In 2014, for the first time in more than 130 years, adults ages 18 to 34 were slightly more likely to be living in their parents’ home than they were to be living with a spouse or partner in their own household. 1
This turn of events is fueled primarily by the dramatic drop in the share of young Americans who are choosing to settle down romantically before age 35.”
Priorities have changed in this day and age. My parents didn’t always understand but eventually they did. People now chase their dreams and aren’t in such a hurry to get married and have kids. And if you are married and you have kids or your path is drastically different than mine – I honor you. I have felt judged for my path for a long time so I would never ever judge anyone, especially those doing something different than me.
I know men and women without homes; running their businesses from around the world while they travel and explore. I know men and women who bought homes and got ready to settle down and now wish they had more freedom to do more than pay a mortgage and insanely high taxes.
In the end this will all come down to the same question: Are you happy?
If you let someone else drive your life path then eventually you’re going to have to find that happy somehow. And that happy is IN you not in the label of “marriage” or “I own my own place”. That happiness is in your heart.
I’ve been sitting here for weeks as my 32nd birthday approaches with that mean little voice in my head telling me what I “should” do at this upcoming age and I battled that voice every step of the way. I don’t want to listen to it anymore. I don’t want to even hear it anymore. So rather than fight it I decided to love it. It’s the voice of everyone else but me though. My voice tells me I’m way more successful than I give myself credit for. My voice tells me I can go anywhere and do anything whenever I want.
I’ve been thinking about moving but it doesn’t light me up. I want to pay off all my debt and I want to travel more. I want to write more. I want to play more. I want to live more. And I can. You can. There are no rules here. With the way this world is going, if you follow the rules you end up only getting annoyed, frustrated and stressed. Money comes and money goes; it’s the ebb and flow of life. I watch as my elders get up there in age and they’ve sat and saved and done shit by the book and come to realize happiness doesn’t lie in your retirement fund. Happiness is IN you and what sparks it so you can feel it is a simple matter of what you choose to do.
If saving doesn’t make you light up – don’t. Maybe one day it will.
If travel is where it’s at for you – then go and don’t look back.
If buying a home or renting a space will serve you – do it for you.
Home is where the heart is. Literally…home is IN your heart. If you feel at home with yourself it doesn’t matter whether you live in a car, on a plane, in the jungle or a tent in a field. You’re HOME no matter where you go. I think we as a society tend to forget that. I think we’re trained to judge what others have or don’t have for that matter. I may not own a physical home in my name but I own a lot more in a heart than some who have chased those physical possessions only to realize “stuff” doesn’t bring you joy.
I’ve had no money and I’ve made thousands more than people on salary in just a matter of a day. I can tell you first hand that the number in you bank account doesn’t bring you happiness. It’s the condition of your heart. It’s the state of mind you’re in. Had I made thousands in a day a year or two ago I would have been miserable either way. The point is that there’s no reason to chase labels and titles and financial statuses when the true joy lies within.
Take a second to reflect and see what’s been the driving force for what you crave or chase in life. And don’t judge it, no matter what you find.
But no matter what, don’t live the shoulds because others told you to. Because eventually you are going to hit that fork in the road where you ponder, “Where’s my fucking happiness at?” and the husband, car, kids, salary, home aren’t going to suffice if you’ve been following someone else’s path.
Amy Fiedler
